Factual Healing: Doner kebabs


Important scientific research has recently shown that doner meat has remarkable healing powers, and it is now routinely used to replace damaged knee ligaments following sporting injuries. Strips of doner meat can also be laid across the skin of burns victims – within hours the meat will have fused with the charred flesh and made a brand new, lipsmackingly delicious layer of skin.

Although it has a reputation as being food for the ‘lower classes’, doner kebabs are extremely popular among the rich elite. Boris Johnson rubs pieces of kebab meat into his hair to help give it its unique look, while quiz show host Anne Robinson keeps pieces of doner meat in her tights when she’s presenting The Weakest Link, craftily pulling some out for a quick munch when the losing contestants are walking away after being voted off the show.

More than 300,000 people were convicted of driving while eating a kebab last year and over 500 people die each year as a result of careless motorists licking chilli sauce off their fingers. Hands-free and bluetooth kebabs have become more popular in recent years, but these will also be banned in 2012. Special stopping points will be added to motorways after every 100 metres so that the great British tradition of eating a kebab while controlling a giant, fast-moving metallic object of death will never die.

Although they rarely speak of it, lots of professional footballers have a serious kebab habit, with some munching away on them only minutes before the kick off of a match. Former Holland captain Johann Cruyff was a chain-eater, and used to go through 20 kebabs a day. He once said that he was glad that Holland never won the World Cup as, “my fingers were always too greasy to be able to lift the trophy”.

There are TWO doner kebab watchdogs in Britain, which strive to keep standards high and aim to rid the doner kebab of its tag as “the food made out of dead sex offenders”. The National Kebab Federation split away from the extreme right wing UK Doner Council in 2005 following a row over whether a chicken kebab really counts or not. The UK Doner Council said it didn’t and called the NKF a “pack of gay cunts”.

If you live in Scotland, you’ve probably already tried a cartoon kebab – they’re far more nutritious, but without sacrificing any of the flavour. You can buy one anywhere where you’ll see a revolving caricaturist in the place where the revolving spit of meat would normally be. Be warned though, they can take longer to prepare, especially if you want your salad to be coloured in.



The word ‘kebab’ is short for ‘Knackers, Ears, Brains And Balls,’ the typical components in a standard kebab.

Doctors have pioneered the ‘kebab-cam.’ Fed to patients with stomach disorders, it films the journey a kebab normally takes once swallowed and teaches us why they’re bad for us.

Rumour has it that the final ever episode of Eastenders will reveal that the whole thing existed only in the mind of a fly sitting on a lump of meat in a kebab shop.

A kebab doesn’t need to come in a pitta bread, and can be enjoyed in a handbag, a flap of loose denim or a child’s sandshoe. Instead of salad and sauce it can be enjoyed with a spoonful of warm glue and some moss.

A ton of kebab meat is worth less than a speck of gold.


HEATER:  What cooks your kebab. Made from chicken wire, some firelighters and a massive unseen Bunsen burner.

MEAT: Post-pub food laws state that 14% of your kebab must be real animal meat. If you stick a key in it and it doesn’t hiss, it’s not real meat.

FRUIT MACHINE:  Usually outdated and based on an old TV show such as Last Of The Summer Wine, The Krypton Factor or Metal Mickey. Maximum payout is normally no more than five guineas.

BLOW JOB MACHINE:  Invaluable for those people who haven’t pulled by kebab time. Stick in a quid and it’ll nosh you off for eleven seconds.

KEBAB SHOP OWNER:  Failed in his previous job as a diplomat. Will occasionally try and engage you in conversation about espionage if there’s only you and him there.

KEBAB SHOP OTTER: Sits on the owner’s shoulders and collects loose change that has been dropped on the floor.